Best friends brother. Beat that.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think my moral compass just broke
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
