The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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