Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
