is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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