Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
