i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
