you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
