She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize