The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
