I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
