This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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