oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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