you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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