I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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