omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
