you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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