I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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