please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
