the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
