I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
