I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
