make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
