I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Randomize
