His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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