I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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