how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
