im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
