Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
