dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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