i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
