Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
