i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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