The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
