Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
