I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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