Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
