The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
