I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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