when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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