I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize