I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
