just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
