"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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