It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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