i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I cockslap morals
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
