so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
as a side note pls kill me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
