Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
