I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
