Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
