so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize