I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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