All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
