he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize