girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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