just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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