So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
