I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Randomize
