Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
