he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
