your thong is hanging out like whoa
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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