i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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