Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he just fucked me for my cheese.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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