I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
