i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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